Inbox - Penance

[red_song]

...
Just say something. I might listen.

Comments

[red_song]

There is more... sharing back in forth with interfacing.

[It's just like that. He can't even begin to explain the difference to Suzaku. It's a sensation a human cannot experience.]

[swordofzero]

And you can't do it anymore? I guess. With the body you have now? [Probably? Since he doesn't have a robots body now, but a human one.]

[red_song]

No. I am biological and bound by the limits of biogicals. Including this. Reading is so slow.

[swordofzero]

It must be strange for you, after being capable of more.

[red_song]

Very strange.

[Proto sighs, frowning at the screen.]

I finally became free of my code, to be my own person. And yet I wish I was what I once was. How is that fair?

[swordofzero]

I think that is part of you being made to be human. It is a very human thing, wanting what you don't have.

[red_song]

No, I do not believe that is a human thing. I believe that is a thing of intelligent beings. I wished my life and freedom before becoming human. I wanted my father's love as well.

[To want love, unconditionally, from your parent or creator. Perhaps that was just a basic need.]

[swordofzero]

Ah. Apologies. [He focused on the screen for a moment, quiet.] I don't know many people who aren't human. [C.C perhaps counted, but even she had been human once.]

[red_song]

[Proto doesn't know if he wants to be less human or more. His life has grown more complicated.]

I do not know how to balance myself.

[swordofzero]

To balance yourself?

[He is focused on Proto now, rather than the film in front of them.]

[red_song]

I can't be what I am meant to be: only machine. Nor can I ever be fully human, as some would have me aspire to. I am both. I am neither. I must find the way to make it work.

[swordofzero]

Yes, it can be very hard. To be between two worlds and have people want you to be one or the other. But... You can only be yourself. At the end of the day. If that is somewhere in between. Then that is who you are.

[red_song]

And if I don't know who myself is anymore?

[Somehoe he doubts that's true actually. He probably knows who he is. He just has to get to know himself.]

[swordofzero]

I don't know. Sometimes that's just... how it is. You lose yourself. [He's maybe the worst person to be talking about this to.]

[red_song]

[Lose yourself? Proto frowns. And to comfort himself he brings his legs up against his chest and holds them.]

I don't want to be lost.

[swordofzero]

[He is just making this worse. He can tell. He sits still, looking at his hands.]

I don't think you will be.

[red_song]

[Perhaps not worse. Perhaps he was just telling Proto things he didn't know.]

If I lose myself, will you help me find myself?

[swordofzero]

Of course. I will always help you.

[He can't promise to be successful. But Blues is his friend, so of course he would help.]

[red_song]

[Oh if only he could come up with that name for Suzaku too. He needs so many words he doesn't have.]

Thank you, Suzaku. I believe you.

[swordofzero]

[He just nods, falling silent again.

He really never knows how to react to Blues' friendship.]

[red_song]

[He doesn't need to react, just watch this movie with his friend.]

wrap?

[swordofzero]

[That he does, watching silently as the movie plays.]

[swordofzero]

Are you alright Blues? I hope things haven't been too bad.

[He's back? This is his way of announcing this.]

[red_song]

[Should he say it? Should he admit the vulnerability that Monika and Tech had determined from his post? For a moment he hesitates before responding. And then he decides he must be honest.]

Rock is gone. I am processing the grief of it. It is not easy. But I wish to be more like a person he could respect.

[swordofzero]

I am sorry to hear that. Who is Rock?

[He's even more worried now than he was when he sent the message. Someone close to Blues had disappeared.]